Take a close, reflective look at the lists below and create your own list of behaviors you know you have done in the past or continue to struggle with in the present. If you and your wife are in a place where you can share the lists with her and seek her input, that will be even more helpful.
This will be your list of “I have to stop” behaviors. Once you have your personal list, make a daily scan so that you can “check in” on any you have done since your last check in for point #4. Shining consistent, focused light on these behaviors will help you greatly reduce the harm you are doing to your partner.
Dr. Omar Minwalla’s Integrity Abuse Behaviors[1]
Covert Phase (Prior to her knowing about the secret basement)
- Lying/lying by omission
- Deceiving, hiding, manipulating the truth
- Gaslighting (Intentional psychological manipulation of the victim’s reality)
- Second brain (Enteric system) incongruence (her gut tells her something is wrong, but you insist everything is fine so she is forced to choose between trusting her gut or trusting you, her primary attachment)
- Blaming others, especially intimate partner, for the secret basement and/or other destructive behaviors (covertly or overtly)
- Cultivating negative narratives to justify the secret basement (corroding perceptions of intimate partner, relationship, family system)
- Relational neglect, withdrawal, rejection (including sexual)
- Relational integrity erosion
- Relational (including family) risk-taking and endangerment
- Covert tactics of domination and control
- Intentional withholding of life-altering information necessary for survival (leaving victim in state of disempowerment, without a viable escape route)
- Intentional withholding of relevant information (e.g., about the secret basement) in individual or couples’ treatment
Overt Phases (Post “discovery” of the secret basement)
- Lying
- Lying by omission
- Deception, hiding, manipulating the truth
- Gaslighting (Intentional psychological manipulation of the victim’s reality)
- Externalizing responsibility
- Blaming intimate partner for the secret basement (covertly or overtly)
- Denying the problem or the disorder and its actual consequences
- Continued sexual-relational violation behavior (overt infidelity or secret basement)
- Minimizing
- Rationalizing
- Justifying
- Protecting
- Denying
- Covering-up
- Partial disclosures
- Staggered disclosures
- Revising facts and history
- Obstructing
- Stonewalling
- Refusing to cooperate or speak
- Technical manipulation
- Verbal abuse or diminishment
- Intimidation and threatening
- Being aggressive or passive-aggressive
- Equivocating
- Withdrawing
- Abandoning
- Feigning innocence or ignorance
- Assuming the role of victim
- Fault-finding
- Demanding immediate equality
- Frequent or rapid integrity violations or abusive actions
- Shaping the narrative
- Defying logic or reason as a protective tactic
- Shifting focus to the abuser’s pain
- Selective attention or memory
- Callous/insensitive/cruel attitudes and actions toward victim
- Lack of demonstrated remorse
- Lack of demonstrated empathy
- Integrity abuse towards the victim (e.g., denying facts) in context of couples’ treatment
- Violating agreements or commitments
- Inability or unwillingness to be accountable
- Refusing to participate in repair or healing
- Inability to provide valuable care and support
- Pathologizing the victim’s reactions
- Demanding the victim “get over it” and move on (demonstrated impatience)
- Sexual entitlement and demands (violations)
- Assumptions and expectations of impunity
- Continued engagement of the secret basement
- Continued domination and control (covert and/or overt)
- Continued social misrepresentation
- Continued lack of demonstrated remorse or empathy
[1] From Dr. Omar Minwalla’s “Illumination” training, 2022.