Ideally, all meetings would be conducted in person as virtual meetings & phone calls lose much of the non-verbal communication. However, other than the actual disclosure meeting, we will accommodate people outside our area for some or all of the pre-disclosure and post-disclosure sessions. Most meetings will be 60-90 minutes though we block off half days for the actual disclosure meeting.

For The Husband

Task order for husbands preparing for disclosure which must be completed prior locking down the scheduled disclosure meeting.

  1. Plug into New Hope’s men’s sexual integrity groups. (In person is best, but the online groups are good if in person is not possible)
  2. Start meeting regularly with Darrell or a CSAT or other counselor familiar with and supportive of New Hope’s disclosure process.
  3. Work through chapter 2 of New Hope For Sexual Integrity and begin making the “Six Dailies” a habit.
  4. Complete initial “Three Circles Recovery Plan.”
  5. Meet with Darrell to discuss your “Three Circles Plan.”
  6. Develop an “Interim plan” for how current behaviors in the two inner circles will be shared/communicated with your wife based upon what she has worked with her disclosure coach about her need and capacity for that information.
  7. Complete your ““Full Sexual History” inventory in chapter 3 of New Hope For Sexual Integrity
  8. Meet with Darrell to talk through your inventory. This sometimes requires multiple sessions.
  9. Schedule a couple’s session with Darrell to explain and map out the process, to discuss boundaries, difficulties at this juncture, etc.
  10. Work on your disclosure letter which will require multiple sessions/back and forth with Darrell.
  11. Provide written responses to wife’s submitted factual questions to Darrell. (This will take multiple back and forth exchanges and possibly multiple individual sessions.)

All pre-disclosure tasks must be completed at least one week prior to the actual disclosure meeting. If not completed, disclosure will be rescheduled.

For The Wife

Task order for wives preparing for disclosure.

  1. Initial meeting with Debbie to discuss current needs, disclosure process, etc.
  2. Plugging into a betrayed wives recovery/support group.
  3. Develop a self-care plan
  4. Develop an “Interim Boundary Plan” of what contact, connection and communication you are able and want to have with your husband prior to disclosure. You may want to schedule a couples’ session with Darrell or a couples’ therapist to help you communicate what you need at this stage.
  5. Decide if and how you want your husband to communicate about anything he has previously told you but now recognizes was deceptive and/or not accurate.
  6. Determine whether or not you would like any current “slips or crashes” to be reported to you now or at the disclosure.
  7. Provide your husband, Debbie and Darrell a written plan for how you would like for your husband to report about items #5 & #6 above. If sharing it with your husband feels unsafe to you, it can be done in a couples’ session.
  8. Join husband for a couple’s session with Darrell who will explain and map out the process, help you to communicate about points #5 & #6 above and to discuss boundaries and other difficulties at this juncture.
  9. Make decisions about what level of detail you want included in your husband’s disclosure.
  10. Make a Zoom appointment with Darrell to talk about the pros and cons of asking your husband to take a polygraph exam as well as the rationales behind doing it pre or post disclosure.
  11. Decide if you want to ask your husband to take a polygraph exam and if yes, whether you want that pre or post disclosure. Communicate your desire to Debbie and Darrell and decide if you want to ask directly or if you want Darrell to ask your husband.
  12. Complete the “Disclosure Preparation Worksheet” which includes developing a list of your specific questions about his acting out behaviors.
  13. Meet with Debbie to discuss the worksheet and to work on finalizing the specific questions you will submit to Darrell for your husband to work on and to ultimately answer at the disclosure meeting.
  14. Develop a support plan for the week of disclosure.

All pre-disclosure tasks must be completed at least one week prior to the actual disclosure meeting. If not completed, disclosure will be rescheduled.


While New Hope serves from a ministry perspective, facilitated disclosures require a tremendous amount of work, energy and care from both the recovery coaches. It is some of, if not the most, intense work they do. Most CSATs (Certified Sexual Addiction Therapists, who have the same training as Darrell) charge between $150 and $250 per 50 minute session. Therefore, we ask that you commit to the following:

  • $1500-$2500 donation to New Hope Recovery Ministries to compensate for Darrell’s services as he guides the process, leads 5-10 individual sessions with the husband, at least 4 couples sessions as well as provide oversight and facilitation of the process.
  • Additionally, if the wife uses a New Hope recovery coach for her support person, we suggest a donation of $1000-$1500. She will provide 8-15 individual sessions with the wife and participate in three or more couples’ sessions. If you choose someone outside New Hope you will need to work out your own financial arrangements. (Outside coaches/therapists fees will vary). Darrell is willing to work with your therapist, only if he feels very confident there can be a good collaborative process.

We understand this is a significant expense. However, we also believe it is a critical investment in both individual’s recovery and if possible, the couples’ recovery. If couples are not able to donate to this level, we are still willing to guide the process, provided both the husband and wife are willing to do the work required and donate what they are able.

Arrangements can also be made for couples from out of the area to do much of the work prior to the actual disclosure and post disclosure via video conferencing.

Polygraph Option

We can also work with the couple to arrange a polygraph exam to help confirm the disclosure was complete. Facilitator will help the wife work out her questions and communicate them with the Examiner. This usually requires for the wife to have at least two 30-60 phone or video sessions and then a post polygraph couples’ session. Husband will also need a 30 minute phone session to prepare him for the exam. The suggested donation for the facilitator’s services is $300. Examiner’s fees are separate and handled directly with the examiner.

Credits: This process is one that Darrell has been refining for the past 18 years. It is also greatly influenced by the work of Stephanie Carnes, Joel Ziff, Aliki Pishev, and others in the IITAP (International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals) community. Darrell has done IITAP’s full Certified Sexual Addiction Therapist (CSAT) training though is technically a Pastoral Sexual Addiction Therapist–Supervisor (PSAP-S) as his background and training is pastoral instead of clinical.

Podcast Darrell highly recommends podcast #12, “Understanding Disclosure With Dan Drake” at the Helping Couples Heal podcast page as they follow a very similar structure and articulate well many of the challenges, goals and blessings of a facilitated disclosure.

Disclosure Day & Post Disclosure Information